March, 2020
Just like that, my whole life changed. “OUR ” lives have changed forever. My dad died just about a month ago. His death was sudden, unexpected, devastating…but more than anything it was confusing. It’s still confusing. For the first time in my life, I feel lost.
No book or blog post on grief could explain what it will feel like during the holidays or when my chidren celebrate their milestones without him, or sadly, the feeling in September, that will consume us all as we watch my little sister walk down the aisle without my dad giving her away. š
With so much sadness, we have found ourselves on a journey we never expected or planned to take. A journey in which we have no map. A journey with no road signs to guide us. Our lives have stopped completely. It still feels like a nightmare and I think to myself, ” this can’t be the beginning of our “new lifeā. Our stomachs are still in knots, and all I can feel is a constant emptiness inside. We can’t stop thinking about that dreadful evening. We continue to ask ourselves “why” and “how this could happen”. We are and will continue to ask ourselves ” how didn’t we notice to the signs”. Trying to understand “why” will constantly be on our minds even though deep down we realize we will never know.
Speaking on my own grief, it has come in waves and I am still consumed will all the emotions of shock, anger, guilt, confusion, and an indescribable sadness. Anger was my first emotion, anger that he made this choice. He was in remission after battling lymphoma for the 3rd time. Why did he choose to die this way?! Anger that he left us with so much doubt. Anger, because I can not move beyond the fact that he couldn’t say good-bye. Anger, because he didn’t leave us a note or leave us with any answers_he only left us with so many questions. All he left us, was a huge puzzle… a freaking jagged edged piece puzzle, that we may never be able to complete.
Then a wave of sadness hit me. Sadness that I still feel everyday. Sadness that he felt so alone, so isolated, so desperate to be able to do something like this. I can’t help but imagine his final moments. I wonder everyday if this will haunt me for the rest of my life. I keep asking myself “why didn’t he reach out to me or Jaime?” I know with all my heart, I could have helped him, I KNOW I could have. Now, I can only PRAY everyday since that day, that out of the trauma of his passing… that his soul has found peace. My greatest wish is that wherever he may be now, He knows that we loved him so very much and we miss his smile, his “don’t worry about it” and “hey guy” attitude. We miss you with each passing day. š
I can’t believe its almost been a month since that day. I held strong for my mom & sister. I was able to bring out some of the tools I learned in my training and help them stay centered, loved, focused and calm, but most importantly I was able to and continue to help them lean into their emotions.Having them be mindful of their own breathe and to remind them all that they are feeling is normal.
I continue to do the same for my kids. To be patient with them and remind them they may each grief differently. To hold onto to each one of them and help them deal with their emotions individually. Trying to work with them on accepting this reality in hopes that it will ease their fear/pain. Explaining to them that we may never know why this has happened and we have to find ways to accept this new part of our life. Most importantly, I will continue to take the time and help them express their feelings in postive ways, talking about it and journaling has been very helpful in doing so. Of course, remembering together, the life we had with their vavo and laugh as we talk about our memories. We will continue to light a candle in remembrance of him. This has been without a doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood. š
I’ve been able to look back at that awful week, planning the funeral and having to tell my children what had happened. I tried to keep up with my own meditation that I had been taught in my training but I couldn’t, I went through my meditation without even feeling them. All I could feel was shock & anger. I woke up so many times throuhout the night with sweats and awful thoughts. My grief was almost like a brick that sat in my chest and didn’t move. When I did get on the mat, all I could do was sit in a child’s pose, but I know this was ok because this is how I needed to process, in my own way. It wasn’t until 3 days before heading into my March training weekend… I woke up with an enormous sense of sadness. Sadness, not only for my dad, my mom, my sister, my kids, but for myself. My heart had been closed in childs pose for so long and I wasn’t able to let myself feel all that I needed to feel not fully anyway, to really feel it fully. I thought about one of my teachers, she had told me to always let my light shine…and never let it dim and to remind myself of this everyday, even during the toughest of times and to help me remember this, I should light a candle for myself everyday. That evening, I started to light my candle, not only for my dad but for one for myself. Instead of allowing my sadness to sink into me and take up all of me, I was able to shine a light into the dark spots and start to open my heart back up a little bit and because of this, I slowly was able to make my way into some open heart poses and continue back into my own practice on the mat.
Grief: It takes its time, and it’s outside of our control. What’s surprises me the most about moving through grief is this feeling as if I have lost my identity, it’s as if a little part of me has died too, so much that I have been in the process of grieving for everyone that it took me awhile to feel the importance of grieving for myself.
I have begun to let myself lean into my own grief and owning my own grief is helping me find some relief for my own sadness. I have been able to think a little deeper into this mess that we are in right now. Our days are going on moment by moment, one day at time. It does seem to be getting a bit harder, but maybe it needs to before it gets easier.
Now… turning this Mess into a Message… It starts with the continued support to my children and my sweet little niece.
I will continue to raise my kids to know how depression can affect people. I pray that I can continue to teach them enough that they will always seek comfort when they really just want to hide their sadness.
It makes me so sad that my dad won’t be here to see all their beauty as they grow up. I do know that he would have wanted us to live our lives happily. Our new reality is, we have to learn to live as the new us now-as suisuide survivors…and this will be a challenge that we will somehow get though togehter. This is now a part of who I am, who we are.
Yes, our lives have changed forever. As we travel this journey of grief together, we will in time, change too. We will continue to hold each up and keep my dad’s memory alive and happy. We will continue to accept all our emotions and take our time to feel them all and communicate them with each other and our little ones.
It will take time. I know the reality is, we will grieve forever. We will never get over this loss, but we will eventually learn how to live with it. We will heal together and we will rebuild around our loss that we have suffered together. I know in time we will be somewhat whole again, but we will never be the same.
Suicide is a disease and the most misunderstood of all sicknessess. It took my dad out of his life. I truly believe with all my heart, he did not intend to leave us this way… with all this pain & with all these unawnsered questions. He was just so tired, tired of fighting the battle in his mind. I choose to believe he did the best he could, until he couldn’t anymore. I know he didn’t want to leave this beautiful life he had…he just didn’t know how to stay in it. I believe with all my heart he is now free from all his pain and resting in peace with God for eternity.
To my family, and close friends who are reading this...Honor my dad. Keep him in your hearts. Remember him as the wonderful, compassionate, hardworking, kind, selfless, nonjudgmental man that he was. We will all continue to focus on the happy life he lived with all of us, rather than how he died. Please keep all your memories of my dad close to your heart and always remember the bond that you shared with him too.
“We don’t stop loving someone when they die. It is acknowledging and living through the pain and grief that brings us the energy and strength to allow hope and healing to happen”. ~ unknown
Shared to you from the bottom of my heart,
Stacey xoxo
