December, 2021

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED

Everywhere I turn this beautiful holiday season is upon me. The sites, the smells, the sounds. It’s that time of year again, and it truly is the most wonderful time of the year but, of course, this year is different for me. Ten months ago, I remember thinking… “we are going to be ok, we will get through the holidays without dad, it will be hard, but it will be ok”. I never could have imagined how hard it really was going to be. This time of the year is the hardest yet.

I am here now. I am trying… trying my hardest to get through. To get through one day at a time and trying to use the tools I learned in my training to help me stay grounded and open but, it hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard to lean into this beautiful time fully. I think about those who sadly have grieved during this time, and now I can relate to those who have loved and lost. 😔

I never thought about it, the fact that for many of us, these holidays are nothing short of heartbreak (especially this year).

Grief… it doesn’t just go away with time. It’s their inside of us. We carry it around with us always and at times it is heavier than others. Unfortunately, the holiday season is one of those times for us who have lost. I tell myself that it’s OK to struggle with this weight of grief right now, but in all honesty. I hate it. It’s awful and it’s just heartbreaking.

My favorite Christmas song that used to fill my heart with joy, suddenly brings tears to my eyes. Watching Hallmark always comforted my heart, and made me smile, now it’s so hard to watch. Seeing all the beautiful homes decorated for Christmas, all the love & happiness that families share as they gather with their loved ones. It’s just a painful reminder of how different our Christmas is this year, and how it will never be the same for us. Our days continue to be a struggle. The decorations, the shopping, the gifts, I feel like this is all just a distraction from our heartache. It sucks, and selfishly I wish I could just blink my eyes and it be 2021. All our wounds of sadness seem to have opened back up and it feels so very heavy again. Memories of the previous year flood our minds and the pain is deeper than ever.

I think of my mom constantly. Although my mom continues to show her strength… deep down all I see is the sadness and pain in her eyes and it breaks my heart. Leaving her home as I drive away… knowing she’ll be alone again, walking into the home my parents created… empty, without any holiday spirit, one that was always filled with holiday cheer and love during this holiday season is now bare and quiet. There is no more thinking about the perfect gift my dad. The kids will not be able to hand their grandfather a special card with words of love and give it to him with a hug. My dad will not be seated at our Christmas table this year. His eyes won’t be so bright as he watches us open our gifts from him. It’s painful.

All we can do is cherish the memories with my dad and hold them in our hearts forever, I will see his ornament and I will continue to hang it up every year and remember his smile in my heart. I will continue to light a candle in his memory. I will bake his favorite blueberry and pumpkin pie, and pick up his favorite beer and toast to him and remember all the ways he made us laugh.

As these next few day come and go, I honor the man he was. I am also going to give myself the permission and the space I need. Maybe it means I decline some invitations or do the things I used to do every year. I know in my heart I won’t say no forever, eventually I hope celebrating will be a little easier. I pray I will remember my joy and I pray that our family will too.

In the meantime,I will continue to have faith and continue some of my self-care practices. To do the things that nurture my body and my mind, like my journaling, yoga, cooking, walking and my meditation.📿

I will keep breathing.

One think is for sure as I look back at this 2020 year and I think we can all say and all agree that the core of the holiday season is LOVE. Being with the ones that we love is what the holidays are all about. Covid has also proven this for many of us, as some of us have to stay distant during this beautiful time.

We can take away Santa and the toys, cooking and the parties or even the beautiful Christmas story itself… But in the end we are left with only one thing and that is LOVE! ❤️❤️❤️

So maybe we can think about that… lets only share love this holiday season. Let’s not get caught up in the cooking, the shopping and the wrapping that we all forget the most important thing of all… to express the love that we have to the ones that we hold dear to our hearts.

Maybe we can remember that friend or family member that is spending their holidays without a loved one and take the time to call them, or write them a sweet message along with a Christmas card. Let’s call up that friend who spending the holidays differently for whatever reason and just be there to hold space for them and listen.

When we take the time and show love, we show the true meaning of Christmas and that is love, without love these holidays are in fact… Meaningless.

❤️ Let’s take time, because when we take the time… We show love. ❤️

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas 🎄 filled with love, peace, good health, and happiness

From my heart to yours, Sending you love & light,

Stacey ❤️☮️🕉